The Stuff of Fantasy

Being the manager of a fantasy football team is not all it's cracked up to be. Sure, I get to chew gum until my jaw seizes up and I enjoy the post match managerial Chateauneuf du Pape and cheese as much as the next guy, but it's the work the press don't see, the wet Monday mornings after a defeat at Bolton (poor Bolton, the perennial footballing metaphor for gloom), dealing with a Didier Drogba (or Double-D as we call him, because he's a big tit) tantrum after he's lost yet another arm wrestling match to Kevin Doyle, or luring Scotty Parker into the rain, assuring him that Dapper Dan is not toxic and that his hair is just like Cary Grant's in The Philadelphia Story. Yes, the modern fantasy football manager is part psychologist, part building foreman.


It's fair to say that, pre-season, my focus was not entirely on football. I had to oversee, nay, project manage the construction of new training facilities, on a scant budget, as we squandered most of said allocation on a state of the art telekinetic tattoo parlour, whereby a player can change his tattoos merely by thinking them into being. Not any easy task for most footballers. The thinking that is. It was a precondition of several players when signing for Quannegowes. A modern fantasy football manager is also part blacksmith and must forge a cohesive identity in the furnace of teamwork and hammer out ego and division on the anvil of togetherness.


In spite of these difficulties, week 1 went well enough - 74 points, which meant we topped the League of Gentlemen and were a strong second in Mayo Div3a (South), regarded as one of the more competitive divisions of south Mayo, long the bedrock of Association Football in the Wesht.


Week 2, however, failed to maintain the momentum we worked so hard to build the previous week. Perhaps my inexperience told - it is after all only my second season as a fantasy football team manager - when I missed the deadline by which my team must be submitted; Saturday morning 1130BST. This meant that we lined up with the injured Mark Schwarzer in goal and Roman Pavlyuchenko up front, garnering no points, with the fit again Kevin Doyle occupying a place on the bench, again earning no points. Actually bench is an exaggeration, blanket would be more apt (like I said money is tight).


By the time the players arrive from their clubs, it's all I can do to remember their names let alone find the time to train. One of the players turned up on Saturday in a tizzy, as a tabloid was preparing to expose a dark, potentially career ending secret. You see, Scholesy, as we'll call him for the sake of anonymity, is a fully fledged tofu packer, he doesn't even eat rashers. He was in a right ol' state, so I told him the only thing to do was beat the red tops to the punch. So that morning, rather hurriedly, we arranged a press conference - a few paps and a camera crew - to film Scholesy slaughtering a cow with his bare hands and then feasting on the carcass. You should've seen him go, he used his shin-guard to scoop out those innards with more table manners than most footballers can manage eating their spaghetti hoops with a knife and fork. It was an unabridged success and a great weight was lifted from the Ginger General's shoulders. I like to think I had a hand in his wonderful performance against Fulham, where he scored a 25-yard screamer. Like I said earlier; part psychologist. If Lucas spent less time on Twitter and more time on the training ground he might be in my team, instead it's his job to fold the blankets.


In the next installment of The Stuff of Fantasy I will outline how some of the players took more convincing than others of the difference between fuchsia and pink.

Premier League: Week 1

A review of the opening round of Premier League fixtures leaves us bereft of any notable conclusions or foresight as to the likely outcome of the season ahead. What determinations can be made have been self-evident for some time. Yet again, Paul Scholes reminded us that he is the the finest English midfielder of his generation. What difference would he have made to an English team at the World Cup, devoid of guile, rhythm or the most basic ability to keep possession of the ball? 

Against Newcastle United at Old Trafford on Monday night, the weight, angle, speed and range of his passing, time and again, turned the Magpies' defence and put the home side on the front foot. If not for some wayward finishing by both Rooney and Berbatov, the winning margin would have been more than the final scoreline of 3-0. Again this year the Red Devils look strong and in Scholes they have a player who can genuinely dictate play from midfield. However this level of dependency on a 35-year-old (36 in November) and an out-of-form Wayne Rooney leaves a question mark over United's chances come, what Ferguson might term, 'squeeky bum time'.

The show piece game from the opening weekend was undoubtedly Liverpool at home to Arsenal. The Gunners, without the talismanic Fabregas, dominated possession but lacked penetration and real attacking purpose. A noticeable change in Arsenal's offensive exploits was their willingness, if not eagerness, to cross the ball from wide positions. This, no doubt, is due to the presence of a more orthodox target man in Marouane Chamakh. 

Liverpool, for their part, began tentatively and were unable to mount enough phases of play to genuinely trouble the Londoner's defence and therefore lacked cohesion going forward. Gerrard, playing in a central midfield role alongside Mascherano, offered more creativity than was served up last season when Lucas Leiva often partnered the Argentine. However, as is so often Gerrard's failing when given the responsibility of central midfield, he lacks the patience and cunning to unlock defences. With every pass he tries to play a killer pass. One of his greatest assets is his unpredictability which in the final third of the field can be key. However in this deep lying role he frequently leaves Liverpool stretched and stuttering as they try to overcome the inertia that blighted many of last season's performances. 

Having said that, early in the game Gerrard played three excellent mid to long range passes onto which David N'Gog was offside. Thereafter, Vermaelen and the impressive debutant Koscielny merely sat deeper and nullified the threat. Joe Cole's league debut ended prematurely after he was sent off for a rash tackle on Koscielny. It was the sort of tackle from a player trying to make something happen having seen the game largely pass him by as Samir Nasri asserted himself over Liverpool's new number 10. Cole will now serve a three match suspension which may give the likes of Alberto Aquilani a starting berth, though it is more likely that Lucas will partner Mascherano with Gerrard advancing up field. Liverpool, as so often under Benitez, showed great character when reduced to 10 men and coupled with an excellent defensive performance, Hodgson's Liverpool played with more fluidity in attack in what has now become Liverpool's standard 4-2-3-1 formation.

In the other big game of the weekend, Spurs were held scoreless by Manchester City, thanks largely to a man-of-the-match performance from Joe Hart, who has usurped Shay Given as City's number one. This game was particularly revealing from a Manchester City point of view. Firstly, we are reminded of Mancini's innate conservatism, setting his team up to not lose rather than to win. Arguably he has at his disposal the strongest Premier League squad of all, though that presents its own problems given the relatively short space of time in which this squad was assembled. The team needs time to 'gel' and whilst they are a collection of superb individuals, a top four finish may be too much to ask this season. 

Tottenham on the other hand do look like a decent team. In Luka Modric, they have one of the league's outstanding talents and one hopes Redknapp is the man to utilise them. On Wednesday night Spurs playing away to Young Boys of Switzerland came from 3-0 down to lose 3-2 in the first leg of their Champions League qualifier. One wonders if they have played their get out of jail free card too early in the season. If Tottenham do manage to overcome the first leg deficit one may also question their ability to successfully juggle both a Premier and Champions League campaign. I say this not merely in terms of the question mark over the quality of their squad depth but also the mental fortitude required to succeed on both fronts. Chelsea, Manchester United, Arsenal and Liverpool have done this over a number of seasons and is perhaps a skill that has been acquired over time (when the Premier League was not as competitive), and one fears that Spurs' eye may be taken off the ball (ahem, pun intended).

Chelsea began the defence of their title in headline grabbing fashion with a 6-0 drubbing of newly promoted West Bromwich Albion. The game itself tells us more about WBA's chances in the season ahead than it does about Chelsea's. West Brom manager Roberto di Matteo lined his team up in an aggressive 4-2-3-1 formation and if not for the concession of an early goal after a mistake by goalkeeper Scott Carson who knows how the game would have gone. After all, as the mantra goes, 'goals change games.' It was a harsh lesson for di Matteo in his first top-flight match as coach, but if your players are not good enough to compete with the opposition then the system must take up the slack. As for Chelsea, the return of Michael Essien to midfield and a fit Didier Drogba make them formidable contenders on all domestic and European fronts.

The departure of Martin O'Neill from Aston Villa met with mixed responses from Villa fans, with some pointing to Saturday's 3-0 victory over West Ham as proof that O'Neill's structured approach was suffocating. However season after season O'Neill's rigid or patterned approach has borne fruit and it must be noted that West Ham, whilst retaining the services of Green, Parker and Carlton Cole were shambolic. This too will be the season where the question mark that hangs over Avram Grant's abilities as a top manager will finally be answered.

The last word in this piece must go to Blackpool, who pre-season were largely touted as this years whipping boys and a sure thing to go straight back to the Championship. Their 4-0 defeat of Wigan confounded those critics and leaves one to wonder if Wigan are really that bad or if this is merely a continuation of the opposite extremes they displayed last year - good one week, awful the next. The reported bust up between manager Martinez and star player Charles N'Zogbia is further evidence that all is not well with the Latics.